“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
You Might Also Like
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My life in a nutshell
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.