@andlikelaura

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

@andlikelaura

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

@andlikelaura

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

@andlikelaura

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

@andlikelaura

voldemort: harry potter the boy who lived come to die

harry: asphinctersayswhat

voldemort: what

harry: *looking at imaginary camera* exactly

voldemort: who…who are you talking to

@andlikelaura

boogeyman: lauraaa wake up im gonna EAT YOU

me: finally

boogeyman: what

me: let’s do this

boogeyman: well it’s not fun if you want it

me: look man do you see the state of the world right now either eat me or let me go back to sleep on this pile of chips

boogeyman: s..sorry

@andlikelaura

me: expecto patronum!

[30 minutes later a sloth crawls out of my wand and goes to sleep]

@andlikelaura

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

@andlikelaura

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay