@andlikelaura

cat: hello please pet me

me: sure *goes to pet*

cat: NOT THERE

me: umm

cat: *points at a 1mm size spot on head* here and here only

me: ok *pets spot*

cat: *swats me*

me: what the hell

cat: i changed my mind

@andlikelaura

got a brief look into where nevada ballots are being counted and it’s just a bunch of sleeping cats

@andlikelaura

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

@andlikelaura

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

@andlikelaura

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

@andlikelaura

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

@andlikelaura

voldemort: harry potter the boy who lived come to die

harry: asphinctersayswhat

voldemort: what

harry: *looking at imaginary camera* exactly

voldemort: who…who are you talking to

@andlikelaura

boogeyman: lauraaa wake up im gonna EAT YOU

me: finally

boogeyman: what

me: let’s do this

boogeyman: well it’s not fun if you want it

me: look man do you see the state of the world right now either eat me or let me go back to sleep on this pile of chips

boogeyman: s..sorry

@andlikelaura

me: expecto patronum!

[30 minutes later a sloth crawls out of my wand and goes to sleep]