Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of andlikelaura's best tweets

@andlikelaura : darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh...almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

@andlikelaura: cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

@andlikelaura: me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

@andlikelaura: 1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

@andlikelaura: [morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

@andlikelaura: [christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

@andlikelaura: coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

@andlikelaura: [harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

@andlikelaura: [after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

@andlikelaura: [being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra