WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
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[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
#growingpains
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron