Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
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Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Mhm.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
whatcha thinkin bout
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.