*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese