TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
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My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!