My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
You Might Also Like
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.