M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
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shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this