Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
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ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.