@anerdonfire2

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

@anerdonfire2

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

@anerdonfire2

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

@anerdonfire2

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

@anerdonfire2

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

@anerdonfire2

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

@anerdonfire2

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

@anerdonfire2

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.