Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
My love language is hissing.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Netflix and awkward silence?