I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.