Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.