Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in