Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
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Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Perfect
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I had to Stop for this
Fight
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks