My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue