Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Angibangie's best tweets

@Angibangie : To be honest, I'm annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn't include a 'Defense against the dark arts' class.

@Angibangie: If I was a piece of candy, I'd be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

@Angibangie: [Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

@Angibangie: Fingers explained:

Thumb: judge
Pointer: accuser
Middle: rebel
Ring: preppy
Pinky: cocaine addict

@Angibangie: [Carpool]

Me: Look, it's a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can't see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

@Angibangie: Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

@Angibangie: A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

@Angibangie: I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald's napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They'd be doing me a favor.

@Angibangie: [The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let's see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

@Angibangie: Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table