In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
This fish is cracking me up
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.