Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
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the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.