[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
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My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
can you read it!!??
maan!
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.