I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
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Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
live long and prosper!
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase