Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
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“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.