When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
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The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights