Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain