friend: you should name your plants
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Beatles: Help! I need somebody
me: *runs up to help*
Beatles: Not just anybody
Who called it cremation and not ashashination