[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree