ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
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Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
😂😂
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.