It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
This why you should mind your business
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I know karate and tons of other words.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.