Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
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My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶