Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
This makes total sense…
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…