This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
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chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
What’s so funny?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.