ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
You Might Also Like
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Don’t frighten the programmers!
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?