[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
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“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo