8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
#Caturday
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”