Gross if literal…Liverpool
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If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
SF is the wild wild west man
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Wait a minute
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.