ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
me, after any kind of buffet.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.