I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
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What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Hank is one in a melon.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit