I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
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Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.