My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
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Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”