Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis