My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
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Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
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The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”