Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to