Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*