“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.