Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”