The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
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Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
guilty