He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
You Might Also Like
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Phonetics
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
never compromise your values
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?