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Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
*swipes right on my hand mirror
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.