Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Monica just destroyed the internet
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows