Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
You Might Also Like
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.